Grief, disappointment, regret, hope.

I vividly remember the day my dad died when I was 19 years old. His death was sudden and unexpected and is the most painful thing that I have experienced in my 41 years. I won’t go too much into that, but drawing the Five of Cups compells me to share a profound experience I had on the day he died.

I sat in the living room with my family most of the day as visitors came in and out with food and condolences. Every time someone would show up, the reality would sink in deeper that he was gone. I cannot describe the shock and grief, but I am sure many readers know the feeling. There was a moment early that evening when all of my siblings had arrived and we were sitting around telling stories about my dad and each other. One story in particular struck us all as hilarious and we all began to laugh uncontrollably. It wasn’t hysterical laughter. It was a joyful and pure laughter that got right into my heart. At that moment I knew without a doubt, that if we could all be laughing on one of the worst days of our lives, we were all going to be ok. I knew we all had a painful road ahead of us, but that ultimately we would continue on with our lives and our dad would always be a part of us.

When I look at this card and see the fallen cups and the cloaked person looking down at them, I am reminded of what it feels like to experience grief and despair. The standing cups remind me that I am not alone and that there is hope and even capacity to feel moments of joy in my grief, as long as I do not cling to a notion of how I am supposed to be feeling and as long as I allow all of my geniune feelings to move through me. The river reminds me that life continues on and as I begin to heal I will cross the bridge into normalcy (as normal as a freaky queer like myself can get 😉 …).

If if this cards speaks to you, or you draw this card and it pertains to a present or future moment, allow the grief, but remember not to cling to it. Allow the joy and love in your life to be present as well. If the love and joy is not obvious, be open to it for when it arrives.

Wishes for much love and comfort to each of you.


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