When I was in my early 30’s, after many years of serial monogamy with various partners, I decided to take a year to be my own main squeeze. Granted, I was polyamorous with myself and dated other people, even fell in love with other people, but my primary partner was myself, and I did not commit to anyone else during that time. It helped to date others who were already in poly relationships and had primary partners.
Throughout the year, I took myself out on day long dates where I would turn off my cell phone and not look at email. I woke up each morning and smiled to myself, hugged myself, pet my own cheek. It felt silly and awkward at first, but eventually, it felt natural and sweet.
During that period, I remember one gorgeous morning after a particularly hot date with a new lover, I was alone walking around my neighborhood feeling giddy and turned on. My head was in the clouds revisiting the night before, replaying every moment, attributing everything I was feeling to this one person, when something inside me slapped me upside the head and yelled “STOP!” I stopped walking, looked around and realized that I while I may have felt those things the night before, the truth was that I was feeling those things at that
very moment and I was alone. I was feeling those wonderful feelings with myself. I then consciously chose to stay present in the moment and instead of picturing everything that happened the night before, see everything that was around me at that very moment, and feel everything I was feeling with the awareness that while those feelings may have been generated the night before, they were mine and I could bring the feelings and not the event to this very lovely walk with my main squeeze, me. Everything became very vivid in that moment. The colors and smells of the flowers popped, I could hear birds chirping and feel the air against my skin, my whole body tingled. All those things were happening before, but I had not been present with them or with myself.
What happened from there was that I really began to enjoy my own company and felt that I could set my standards just as high for a life partner, if and when I was ever ready or interested in that. I knew that if I never found that in someone else, I would be ok, because I always have me.
I eventually got together with my amazing partner of 6 years. We both have a strong foundation of love and respect for ourselves, each other, and our communities and families, both blood and chosen. I feel extremely fortunate and grateful.
When this card is drawn could be pointing to inner union/self love OR to a very significant relationship with someone who we are traveling this life and possibly other lives with.
Wishing everyone a happy Valentines Day! Give yourself a squeeze today!